


how to win at speed dating

by Mooifyourecows



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, Speed dating au, Spicy language, some alcohol consumption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25191409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mooifyourecows/pseuds/Mooifyourecows
Summary: Daichi loses a bet. And his punishment is to take part in a speed dating event.How lame.There's no way anything good will come from the night.Right?
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 43
Kudos: 615
Collections: HQ: Daily Serotonin Boost





	how to win at speed dating

**Author's Note:**

> I was meant to finish this a week ago but i am suck  
> Anyway, happy belated birthday, Sugar! <3

Of all the stupid things that Daichi had allowed Tooru to drag him to, _this_ stupid thing definitely took the cake.

Not just the cake.

It ran away with the plate and the knife too.

“ _Seriously?_ ” Daichi hissed as Tooru straightened his hair, giving his shoulder a slap when he refused to hold still. “Tooru, this is so _stupid_.”

“You don’t think I know that?” Tooru said, a happy lilt to his voice that gave away just how much he was enjoying Daichi’s discomfort. “That’s exactly why I chose it as your punishment!”

The amount of times Daichi’s punishment for losing one of their many stupid office bets involved Tooru trying to hook him up with a romantic partner had to number in the hundreds at this point. All the blind and double dates had begun to run together, names and conversation topics dissolving into a mist of frayed memory tucked somewhere in the far unused corner of his mind.

But this… this was something special.

“I don’t want to _speed date_ ,” Daichi growled his displeasure under his breath so as not to draw the attention of the others crowding the bar to which Tooru had dragged him that night.

“Too bad!” Tooru sang. He finally gave up on straightening Daichi’s appearance and gave him a smug smirk. “A bet is a bet.”

A bet _was_ a bet. That was one thing on which both Daichi and Tooru could agree.

But c’mon.

Wasn’t this… too much?

“How does it even work?” Daichi asked, giving a small group of people nearby a nervous side-eye. “Is it like… musical chairs for dating?”

Tooru chuckled. And that glint was in his eye. That pretentious gleam that said _Oh Daichi, you idiot_ without needing to make a sound.

Daichi hated that glint.

He kinda wanted to smack it right outta his annoying coworker’s eye.

“Kind of,” he said. “Except there’s no elimination. You’re stuck here until the final bell tolls.”

“That sounds sinister,” Daichi mumbled. “Even worse coming from your nasty mouth.”

“Not even your rudeness can save you this time, Daichi.”

“How about my fists? They got a chance of saving me?”

Tooru ignored his threat and made one more swipe over the front of Daichi’s shirt. “I can’t believe you wore something so plain. Your soulmate might be here tonight and you think this boring shirt and jeans combo is going to win him over?”

“My soulmate would never willingly partake in something as stupid as this,” Daichi deadpanned.

“Maybe he was also dragged here against his will?”

Daichi didn’t dignify that with a response, letting his eyes roam around the bar in silence instead.

While he was reluctant to stereotype the specific kind of person that participated in such things as group speed dating at the local bar on a Friday night… he had to admit that the people loitering about, waiting for the event to begin, looked just as he suspected they would.

Not necessarily… _undesirable…_ but definitely not the pick of the litter either.

Daichi imagined most of them were tired and busy desk workers, at the end of their rope and sick of the rat race of finding someone to drive away the loneliness that a few cats or a tank of exotic fish couldn’t.

As a young, attractive twenty-nine year old in the best shape of his life and working a career he actually genuinely loved, Daichi was…

Well.

Daichi was out of everyone else’s league.

Probably.

_Wow._

The instant the thought crossed his mind, Daichi felt sick.

What a…

What a _Tooru_ thing to think.

Maybe this was a sign that he and his narcissistic coworker had been spending much too much time together. In the past, Daichi would have never let such a gross thought pop into his head. Shame weighed down on his shoulders and he slouched, a low groan rumbling through his chest.

He had to redeem himself for possessing such a shallow, egotistical thought.

Tooru was smirking at him, one hand on his hip, and Daichi gave him a tired look.

“I’ll never be like you,” he said. “I don’t wanna be like you.”

Tooru blinked. “Well that’s fucking _rude_.”

Loud tapping drew their attention across the bar where a man stood with a microphone next to the counter.

“Hello and welcome!” he said when he had everyone’s attention. “What a great turnout! I’m so glad to see so many faces here at tonight’s event!”

Daichi gave Tooru a dull look and he grinned and replied with a thumbs up.

“Now, I won’t waste time talking too much,” the man at the microphone said. “Let’s just quickly go over the rules and get right to it!” He launched into an explanation on how the rotation worked, each person following a chart of who went where after each round to ensure that everyone would get a chance to meet.

“Each date will last five minutes,” he said after the explanation. “You’ve been given a notepad and pencil. If you fancy one of your partners, be sure to make note of it! Because at the end of the night, you’ll be able to request a second date through our event moderators!”

The whole situation was… weird.

Requesting a second date through the moderators?

This truly was an event for the awkward and unlucky in love, wasn’t it?

Daichi attempted to throw Tooru another disapproving look, but the bastard was no longer behind him. After a quick sweep of the room, he spotted him at the counter, ordering a drink.

_Bastard._

Daichi was _so_ getting him back the next time he got to pick a punishment for him.

“Without further ado! Let’s begin the date! Please make your way to your first tables!”

Daichi released a long sigh and glanced down at the paper bracelet around his wrist. He was number five, and according to the cute little chart on the wrist band, he was expected at table three for this first round.

Awesome.

He was only dreading it with his entire being.

How bad could it be?

He dropped his arm to his side once more and made his way through the tables, which were filling up with the other participants, and headed for the table marked by the wooden flag with the white _three_ painted onto it.

His date was already there when he reached the table, sitting in his seat and twirling his pencil through his fingers.

Daichi’s first impression was that he was _not_ his type.

He was wearing a suit for starters. To a speed dating event.

That seemed like a red flag, somehow.

His blonde hair was coiffed and styled almost as fussily as Tooru’s and six of his ten fingers were decorated with gaudy rings.

It all seemed like a red flag, he was sure.

_This is going to suck._

But Daichi didn’t want to be like Tooru. _God_ he didn’t want to be like Tooru. So he would sit and smile and be nice, no matter how little Daichi was interested in his partner.

_Just get through it, Daichi._

_Pretend that you aren’t absolutely hating this and get through it._

Daichi sat in the chair opposite of his date and offered a hand.

“Hey there,” he said with a smile. “My name’s Daichi.”

The man eyed him for a second before taking his offered hand and giving it a limp squeeze.

“Thomas.”

He released his hand and sighed.

_Wow._

This guy wasn’t even pretending.

Daichi so didn’t want to be here.

“Alright! Is everyone at their first table?” The man at the microphone asked. “Great! Have fun! Hope for a connection! Your time starts… now!”

He rang a bell and the bar immediately hummed with conversation.

Daichi cleared his throat and looked at Thomas. “So…”

“Don’t waste your breath,” he interrupted. “You’re not my type.”

Daichi’s eyebrow twitched and he gritted his teeth. “S’that so…”

“Hm…” Thomas looked over his shoulder at the other tables. “Tonight’s turnout is godawful. Bunch of losers. There’s only one I’m interested in and according to this stupid chart, I don’t get paired with him until the seventh round.”

Daichi leaned back in his chair and glanced towards the counter, where Tooru sat, drinking a pint of beer and watching him with bright eyes. When their stares met, he straightened and lifted his hand to wave.

And he was enjoying this way too much.

Daichi swore he’d make him suffer next time.

“No offense,” Thomas tacked on, as an afterthought. “You don’t look like a loser like the others. But…” His blue eyes wandered down Daichi’s chest. “I’m not into hunks.”

Hunks.

Daichi would be flattered if the guy wasn’t flat out rejecting him without even bothering to give him a chance.

Not that Daichi wanted a chance.

But still.

He could at least _pretend_.

“That’s fine,” Daichi muttered and crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re not my type either.”

Thomas snorted. “ _Sure._ ”

Daichi wanted to punch the fucker.

Instead, he cast Tooru another look and made a motion at his mouth to indicate his sudden need for a drink.

Tooru perked and turned to wave the bartender over.

If Daichi was going to be forced to tolerate this level of bullshit, he should at least be drunk for it.

The rest of the time spent with Thomas was mostly quiet, except for the few times he started muttering about plans to break the formation just so he could partner up with the pretty one he had scoped out earlier. Tooru swooped in with Daichi’s drink just as the bell was ringing, signaling the end of the first round.

Tooru placed the glass in his hand with a low, “Bourbon, Sir?” that failed to mask his amusement, and Daichi caught his wrist before he could leave.

“Keep them coming,” he muttered, eyes flicking in Thomas’ direction as he didn’t waste a moment jumping to his feet and leaving the table for his second location.

“You got it,” Tooru said with a smirk, eyes crinkled with silent laughter.

“You fucker,” Daichi grumbled and he walked off.

Daichi’s second round was at the same table so he remained seated and took a sip from his glass while he waited for his next date to arrive.

When he did, Daichi had the same fleeting feeling as the first time, that this man wasn’t his type either, and this whole night was going to be a torturous waste of time.

At least this date was much more talkative and less rude than the last one. In fact… he was _too_ talkative.

Daichi barely managed to get his name out before his partner was talking, and talking, and talking, and talking… all about himself and his job and his money and his house and his car and Daichi was out of liquor before the first minute passed. Tooru didn’t succeed in keeping his laughter silent when he returned with a fresh drink.

Daichi was going to punch the fucker.

When the second date ended, Daichi accidentally let out an “oh thank god,” earning himself a glare from his date.

Luckily, Daichi’s next round was at a table far from that one and he didn’t hesitate to flee in its direction, clutching his drink in his hand like his sanity depended on it. He sat at the table marked with _seven_ and set his glass down to rub at his eyes with both hands.

_Just get through it, Daichi._

_You’ve only done two so far._

_You have so… so many more…_

A clunk across the table made him jump.

“Koushi.”

Daichi dropped his hands and blinked at his third partner as he dropped into the chair opposite him, setting an entire bottle of whiskey on the table in front of him.

_Oh._

Well, alright.

This one… this one _was_ Daichi’s type.

“Koushi,” he said again, thick grey brows lifting over his brown eyes.

Daichi gulped. “Huh? Oh… Uhm… Daichi.”

Koushi flashed a white grin and flicked a lock of grey hair out of his eyes.

The bell rang and Koushi leaned his elbows on the table, shifting forward. And Daichi's annoyance and exhaustion ran for the door at the twinkle in his eye, the flush of color at the tip of his nose, and that little beauty mark under his left eye.

Ohhh… he was definitely Daichi’s type.

“Okay Daichi, you get to take any person, alive or dead, to bed for a single night of hot passion. Who is it?”

Daichi blinked. “What…”

Koushi snapped his fingers. “C’mon, c’mon, we only got five minutes. Who you taking to bed?”

Daichi gulped. “Uhm… uh…” He racked his mind. “Well… If I chose someone dead, would they still be dead in bed or—”

Koushi let out a laugh and oh the sound was sweet and evil at the same time, Daichi felt his stomach twist.

“They would come back to life just for the pleasure of fucking you,” he said, pink lips curling into a smirk. “Unless… you _want_ them to stay dead…”

“Okay uhm… David Bowie then.” Daichi hesitated and then added, “Alive, please.”

Koushi’s spine straightened, fingers wrapping around the neck of the whiskey bottle.

“That answer earns you a filled glass!” He lifted the bottle and leaned over the table to fill Daichi’s empty glass. “David Bowie… damn that’s a good choice. Hm…”

Daichi cleared his throat. “What about you? Who would you take to bed?”

Koushi’s eyes flicked up to him and his lashes lowered. “ _You_.”

Daichi’s mouth went dry and his heart raced.

“ _Sike._ ” Koushi leaned back and grinned. “Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn from _The Lord of the Rings,_ obviously _._ ”

Daichi snorted and rubbed his eyes, only a little disappointed.

Koushi took a drink straight from the bottle and let out a sigh of satisfaction. “Okay, your turn. Ask me a question.”

“Uhm…” Daichi lifted his glass. “What… what do you do for a li—”

“Noooo!” Koushi’s nose scrunched. “No boring questions!”

“It’s not boring—”

“It’s _totally_ boring. I don’t want any lame normal questions. Fun questions only. That’s the rule.”

He lifted his chin and Daichi had the feeling that any attempts at going against his self-appointed rules would be met with steadfast stubbornness.

And well… Daichi wanted to have fun too so…

“Alright.” He took a sip of the alcohol. “You can transform into any animal for a whole day. What animal and what do you do?”

“Ooooohh.” Koushi folded his hands under his chin. “Any animal I want, huh? Well… obviously I’d be a pigeon.”

Daichi snorted.

“I’d be a pigeon and I would steal people’s fries from their plates on the pier, then I’d shit all over my ex’s new car. Literally just… follow him around the city and take a huge dumper on the windshield every chance I got.”

Daichi sputtered. “A spiteful pigeon huh?”

“That’s right.”

“Not what I would have picked but… eh, to each his own.”

Koushi’s eyes narrowed. “Alright then what would your choice be?”

“Hmm… a pig.”

“A pig.”

“Yes.”

“Why a pig?”

“Because they can eat _anything_. I would spend all day just eating every single thing that's put in front of me.”

“Okay, no judgment, that’s as good a reason as any, I guess.” Koushi straightened. “But that answer made me think of another question. Okay so you have a dead body that you need to dispose of—”

“Do all of your questions involve dead people?”

“You mean you _don’t_ go to speed dating events in order to get good advice to use in your murdering and/or necrophilia habits?”

“I might have to start.”

Koushi grinned and leaned over to top Daichi’s glass off again, despite it only being half empty. “Okay, so you have a dead body that you need to dispose of.”

“I do, but how did _you_ know that?”

“I’ve been sleeping under your bed for the past three weeks.”

“Oh? Are my lucky underwear under there?”

“They _were_. They’re under my jeans tonight though.”

“Washed?”

“Certainly not. Still fully spiced.”

Koushi waved a hand in Daichi’s face before he could continue the banter.

“Let me ask the question! It’s important! I’ve got a lot of bodies to dispose of back at home under your bed!”

Daichi grinned. “So _that’s_ what that smell is…”

“That, and your underwear.” Koushi took a drink from the bottle and lowered it to the table, eyes twinkling. “How do you dispose of your body?”

Daichi glanced down at himself. “I dunno, I kinda like my body.” He flexed his biceps.

Koushi hummed, eyes tracing the swell of his arms. “Me too…”

Daichi’s stomach fluttered and Koushi’s mischievous gaze met his again.

“Answer the question, Daichi.”

Daichi cleared his throat and tapped the side of his glass with a finger. “Uh… let’s see. I would get really strong solvent stuff and melt it down in the bathtub I guess.”

“And? What would you do with the leftover slop?”

“Can’t I just let it down the drain?”

“Wouldn’t that solvent destroy your pipes? How irresponsible. And does it really melt the body _completely?_ Like without chunks?”

“Fuck I dunno. I suppose I could run it through a strainer, dilute it with water so that it’s less strong, then flush it down the toilet?”

“Hm…” Koushi lifted the bottle to his lips. “I suppose that could work…”

“Here’s hoping.” Daichi watched the glass mouth of the bottle roll across Koushi’s bottom lip and licked his own. “What about you? How would you dispose of a body?”

Koushi met his eyes. “Obviously I’d feed it to pigs. Those fuckers will eat _anything._ ”

Daichi let out a laugh. “Shit. Okay, just so long as I’m not the pig.”

“Hey, it wouldn’t be cannibalism at that point.”

“Still too dubious for my blood.”

“Fine, none for you then.”

“Wait, now I feel like I’d be missing out.”

“Oh? Change your mind? Wanna eat a dead body?”

“Hmm… maybe a nibble. So long as it’s fresh.”

“What part would you wanna try? A foot? Thigh? Maybe some _ass_?”

Daichi laughed again. “Sorry, Koushi, I only eat the ass of alive people.”

The corners of Koushi’s eyes crinkled. “Wow, admitting you eat ass on the first date. Is that some sort of pickup line, Daichi?”

“Is it working?”

“Hmm…” Koushi opened his mouth to answer but suddenly the bell was ringing, drawing an end to their short date.

_Already?_

_Seriously?_

Daichi wasn’t ready to let this one end.

He wanted to keep talking to Koushi, keep flirting, as weird as their conversation was.

The look on Koushi’s face mirrored Daichi’s for a moment before he was clearing his throat and pushing to his feet, grabbing his bottle of whiskey.

“Well then,” he mumbled, topping off Daichi’s glass. “Guess that’s that. See you around, Daichi.”

“Yeah…” Daichi watched him go, disappointment sour and heavy in his stomach.

Not fair.

Speed dating was so stupid. He was forced to spend most of the time suffering the presence of guys he had zero interest in and couldn’t talk longer than five minutes to the one he _did_.

Well. At least he had made a connection. Once the night was over, he’d find him again, invite him for a second date. Get his number.

So the whole ordeal wasn’t a total bust.

But…

Daichi couldn’t shake the feeling that the longer he spent away from Koushi, the more he’d lose interest in him. He’d be speaking to so many guys that night. What if someone even more entertaining and charming than Daichi caught his attention? Stole his interest away?

_How do I stay relevant to him?_

Speed dating was so stupid.

Though it was much more entertaining now that he was thinking of it like a competition.

_How do I defeat my opponents and win Koushi?_

His next date sat in the chair opposite him and Daichi forced his eyes away from Koushi’s back as he made his way to his next table.

This date was expectedly as bad as the first two. A big guy who immediately started drilling Daichi for his opinions on sports teams. Every answer Daichi gave that was unsatisfactory was met with a sneer and _God_ Daichi hated this.

“Maybe that answer would make sense ten years ago,” the man snorted and launched into a breakdown on why the baseball team Daichi had randomly pledged his loyalties too just to get the guy off his back was the wrong choice.

Speed dating was so stupid.

Daichi let his eyes drift beyond the man’s shoulders to where Tooru was still sitting at the bar, still looking entertained and way too happy about Daichi’s suffering. During the previous date with Koushi, he hadn’t even thought to look his direction at all. He wondered if Tooru had noticed.

The way he was smiling at him made him think he had. So knowing. So smug.

Speed dating was stupid and Tooru was _so_ getting punched later.

“And then they made that _idiotic_ trade for—”

His date was still talking, on a tangent now, and Daichi dragged his gaze over the bar in search of Koushi. He had wound up at a table near the other side of the bar, sitting opposite Daichi’s second date, the talkative one, who was very obviously giving Koushi the same treatment, flapping his mouth as he looked on in boredom.

Daichi licked his lips.

He would concentrate just on making it through the night. If he could just hold out until he could speak to him again…

Koushi cast a look over his shoulder, instantly meeting Daichi’s stare. Daichi’s mouth when dry. Koushi blinked a few times before a smirk lifted the left corner of his lips and his eyelashes lowered over his glinting, mischievous eyes. He lifted his bottle of whiskey in a small salute and Daichi nearly knocked his glass over in his desperation to return the cheers.

Koushi clearly noticed his clumsiness, as the corners of his eyes crinkled slightly, his lips pulling in and pinching in a tight line.

Daichi’s cheeks warmed and he took a gulp from his glass to hide his embarrassment.

Koushi drank from his bottle and turned forward again.

For the next few minutes, Daichi could barely keep his eyes from sticking like glue to the back of Koushi’s head, heart erupting into fluttering beats every time he graced him with a backwards glance and coy smile.

And by the time the next bell rang, Daichi had made up his mind.

He didn’t even bother bidding his date goodbye before he pushed to his feet and made his way across the bar. He reached Koushi’s table a second before his actual date and stole the chair, breathing out a, “Sorry, there was a mix-up. You’re supposed to be at table six.”

The man blinked at him for a moment. “Oh… okay then…” He wandered off in the direction of table six.

Daichi sat and faced Koushi, who had a hand over his mouth, stifling his laughter, eyes squinted in amusement.

“Hey,” Daichi said. “Person I’ve never met. I’m Daichi.”

Koushi dropped his hand from his mouth and stretched it across the table. “Nice to meet you for the first time ever, Daichi. I’m Reggie.”

Daichi narrowed his eyes and took his hand to shake, reveling at the feeling of his warm skin.

“Reggie, huh?”

“That’s right. Named after my father. Reggie McBernstein the third.”

“So that’d make you the fourth then?”

“No, actually I’m the fifth. My older brother is the fourth.”

“You and your brother are both named Reggie?”

“Yeah but it’s not weird at all.”

“Hm, if you say so.”

They grinned at each other, Daichi still holding fast to Koushi’s hand.

The bell rang and Daichi finally released his hand, clearing his throat as heat filled his cheeks.

“So, Reggie. Allow me just _one_ boring question?”

Koushi folded his hands under his chin, leaning his elbows on the table. “That was _already_ a boring question. Do you mean another?”

“Yes.”

“Go on then. Whether I answer it or not is up in the air but I’m willing to hear it.”

“Why are you here?”

Koushi’s eyes twinkled. “That’s a good question, Daichi. Why is _anybody_ really here? Evolution and the Big Bang are one thing but to really unpack the consciousness and—”

“Reggie the fifth, please,” Daichi interrupted. “We don’t have time to debate existence. I meant here, at a speed dating event.”

Koushi grinned. “Oh, well maybe you should have been more specific.”

“I’m being specific now.”

“Hm, better late than never I _guess_.”

“Are you going to answer or…”

Koushi gripped his bottle of whiskey and gave it a twirl. “You’re never bored on a Friday night?”

“Not bored enough to go to a speed dating event.”

“And yet… here you are.”

“For your information, I wasn’t bored tonight. I’m being punished.”

“Oh?” Koushi leaned forward. “Spending time with little ol’ Reggie the fifth is _punishment_?”

“Definitely not.” Daichi leaned on his elbows. “Being dragged to a speed dating event on a Friday night was punishment. Meeting you is an unexpected twist of fate that makes it all worth it.”

“Daichi, are you _flirting_ with me?”

“Is it flirting when I’m just answering your question with complete honesty?”

“Only if you’re interested in getting in my pants too.”

“Well, I gotta get my lucky underwear back _somehow_ don’t I?”

Koushi flashed him a grin and lifted his bottle of whiskey. Daichi held out his glass and Koushi filled it to the brim.

“So, Daichi. Tell me about the worst date you’ve been on that still ended in sex.”

Daichi laughed. “What makes you think I have such a story to tell?”

“Have you been on dates that end in sex?”

“Maybe a few.”

“One of them was the worst. Tell me about it.”

“Hmm…” Daichi lifted his glass to his lips and took a slow sip. “Ever been to that pizza place downtown with the animatronic farm animals?”

“Ya know what? Changed my mind. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Are you sure? I still have nightmares about the alpaca to this day—”

“Nope, nope. Even I have my limits. Please spare me, I’ll fill in the blanks all on my own.”

Daichi laughed again. “Maybe that’s for the best.”

“Well…” Koushi’s bottom lip caught between his teeth and then slowly rolled out. “I _do_ have a pretty active imagination.”

Daichi’s stomach filled with heat that he was sure was only partly due to the whiskey.

"Too bad I'll just be using it to imagine you getting hardcore pegged by that alpaca animatronic," Koushi said.

Daichi sputtered and dropped his head down to the table to laugh. He heard Koushi giggling across from him and slowly lifted his head again, wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes.

He cleared his throat. “Alright. What about you? Worst date that ended in sex?”

Koushi took a gulp from the bottle and then placed it back down on the table, hard enough for the _clank_ to shake the wood.

“He took me to a _country music festival_.” His nose scrunched and his lips twisted. “Have you ever been literally _bullied_ into line dancing? Because I sure as fuck have. I only fucked him to get rid of the stench of heterosexuals and Bud Light.”

“Hey now, there are plenty of gay cowboys out there.”

“Not even gay cowboys listen to country music, Daichi.”

“Then what do they listen to?”

“Dolly Parton.”

“Wait.” Daichi held up a hand. “Doesn’t she do country music?”

“First of all… there’s a difference between Country music and… _country music_. You know?”

“Explain.”

“Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson… they’re Country musicians. I got dragged to a _country music_ festival. There’s a big difference.”

“How…”

“Okay so you know how there’s a difference between white trash and white supremacy?”

“Ah, okay, I understand now. Country is good and _country_ is bad. Of course, it’s so clear now.” Daichi smiled. “Thank you for teaching me.”

Koushi hummed and slowly licked the mouth of the whiskey bottle, making Daichi’s stomach flip and twist.

“What _else_ are you interested in learning from me, Daichi?”

Daichi’s mouth went dry and he opened it to answer but the bell rang out, again, calling yet _another_ end to their flirting.

Neither of them bothered to hide the disappointment from their faces as they looked at each other, lips pouting and eyebrows furrowed.

Daichi wanted to ask him to ditch the rest of the event with him. They could leave, run out before anybody could stop them.

But Koushi was already climbing to his feet with a sigh.

“Well,” he said. “See you around, Daichi.”

“Yeah… see you.”

Daichi watched him go until he was being nudged out of his chair by the couple attempting to take their places at the table.

He looked down at his wristband to figure out where he was expected to go next but…

Oh fuck it.

Daichi was an adult and he could do whatever the fuck he _wanted_ to do.

He spun on his heel and chased after Koushi, who had just taken a seat at another table and drank from his whiskey bottle. His date was about to sit across from him but Daichi lunged the last few feet and bumped him with his hip, sending him staggering off to the side.

“Sorry,” Daichi said and dropped into the chair, facing Koushi.

Koushi stared back at him, eyes alight, lips pressed tight.

“Hey,” Koushi’s date protested but Daichi waved a hand at him.

“You’re supposed to be at table five. There was a mistake,” he said without taking his eyes off of Koushi.

“Ehh…” The man pouted but made his way across the bar anyway.

Daichi reached a hand over the table. “Daichi.”

Koushi shook it. “Kiki.”

The bell rang and Daichi cleared his throat. “Okay, Kiki. Deepest, darkest fear?”

Koushi tightened his grip on Daichi’s hand and they let them rest on the table between them, Koushi’s thumb stroking over his knuckles and sending chills shooting up his spine.

“Hmm… that one of the people I piss off on the internet will find where I live, show up in the middle of the night, tie me up, and make me watch him fuck a lifesized doll made out of the skin of all his past victims.”

“ _Jesus Christ._ ”

Koushi grinned. “What? You said _darkest_.”

“Yeah but _Jesus Christ._ ”

“What’s yours then?”

Daichi frowned. “I was going to say something like _dying alone_ or _peeling back the layers of my personality and finding absolutely nothing underneath_ or—”

“You said _darkest._ Not _most depressing_.”

“Okay, alright, let’s agree to disagree this time.”

Koushi’s fingers were tracing the lines of his palm and it was doing things to his head, making him feel warm and fuzzy and intoxicated and…

“How do you want to die, Daichi?” Koushi asked, drawing an end to his silent crisis.

“This is going to be a dark round, isn’t it?” Daichi cocked an eyebrow.

“You started it.”

Daichi chuckled and lifted his glass to his lips. “Let’s see… is it boring to say that I want to die peacefully in my sleep?”

“So boring. I might just get up and leave if you answer that way.” He gave him a challenging look, chin lifting. And his lips were so pink and plump and _ahhh_ Daichi just wanted to kiss him.

“Alright, no boring answers then,” Daichi said. He took a gulp of his alcohol and lowered the glass to the table. “I want to grow old and then, when I’m satisfied with my life, go sky diving. Either the thrill of jumping out of an airplane gives me a heart attack and I die midair, or I just don’t pull my parachute and die upon impact.”

“Oooo sounds fun. Can I come?”

“You saying you wanna grow old with me?”

Koushi leaned forward and lifted Daichi’s hand. He turned it around and switched hands to press their palms together, stretching his pale, slender fingers up against Daichi’s.

“Maybe,” he said, voice soft. “If you continue to make things interesting for me.”

If Daichi was a more experienced flirter, he might have promised to make things as interesting as he could, so long as Koushi continued to look at him like _that,_ brown eyes hooded and cheeks flushed pink. But Daichi was not an experienced flirter and so instead he merely asked,

“How do you wanna die, Kiki?”

Koushi flashed him a mischievous smile. “Rollercoaster derailment or… mid orgasm of the best sex of my life.”

“Why not both?”

He let out a soft gasp. “Sex on a rollercoaster that’s just derailed? Why didn’t _I_ think of that?”

“I’m just good at these things, I guess. Maybe you should keep me around so I can keep giving you good ideas.”

“And grow old with you?”

“Well, since you offered…”

Koushi laced their fingers together and rested his chin in the palm of his other hand, gazing at Daichi with that _look_ that made his insides melt.

“How are you liking your speed dating punishment, Daichi?” he asked, voice low.

Daichi mirrored his position, propping his chin up in his hand. “Hmm… it’s failing to make me feel punished, if I’m being honest.”

“Is that so?”

“It is.”

“Does that mean you’re enjoying yourself?”

“Well. I’d like it better if there was a way to win.”

The corners of Koushi’s eyes crinkled. “Win at speed dating?”

“Yeah.” Daichi grinned. “Everything is more fun when you can rub your victory in other people’s faces.”

“Oh, you’re competitive, huh?”

“It’s hard not to be competitive when the prize is something as sweet as you.”

“I’m the prize? Not one of your fellow competitors?”

“I’d like to believe we’re teammates.”

“So I’m not the prize after all?”

“The real prize comes later.”

“And what’s that?”

He was testing him. Trying to get Daichi to say more than he was willing to.

_I wanna take you home with me._

_Give you the best sex of your life._

_But not let you die in the middle of it._

If only Daichi was bold enough to say it just like that.

“Hey Kiki,” Daichi murmured. “Do you wanna just—”

“ _Ahem._ ”

Daichi and Koushi both looked up at the sound of the throat clearing. The man who had kicked off the night with the microphone stood next to their table, arms crossed over his chest. His thick eyebrows were lowered over his eyes as he glared at both of them before landing on Daichi.

“Please stop it,” he said. “Jumping tables to sit with whoever you want is against the rules. If you like one of your partners, then do it properly and let the moderators know at the end of the night. You’re ruining the event for others.”

Koushi covered his mouth with his hand to capture his snickering and Daichi’s cheeks filled with heat.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

The man gave a curt nod and turned to make his way back to the counter.

Daichi rubbed his eyes and Koushi’s laughter grew in volume.

“We got scolded,” Koushi said with a giggle.

“ _I_ got scolded,” Daichi muttered.

“Well you have been the one breaking the rules. I’m just a poor victim of your selfishness, aren’t I?”

Koushi was giving him that look again and Daichi couldn’t find it in himself to be embarrassed when all he wanted to do was…

The bell rang- again, _damn it_ \- and Daichi and Koushi gave each other a look.

_Ask him to leave with you._

_Just run._

_Take him home._

Koushi slowly peeled his fingers away from Daichi and stood.

“Well,” he said. “On to the next one, right?”

Daichi cursed his cowardice and mumbled out a low, “Yeah.”

Koushi winked and turned away and Daichi sighed and watched him go.

And why did Daichi have to be a pussy at the worst possible times? His bravery was fleeting and he was a loser.

He didn’t want to wait for the night to be over to get to talk to Koushi again. To ask him out for a second date. Maybe just prolong this one at a secondary location. Preferably Daichi’s apartment.

Koushi reached his next destination and sat down. Daichi’s eyes slid across the table to where his date sat, leaning forward to offer his hand.

It was the first guy Daichi had had the displeasure to _date_ that night. Thomas. He looked thrilled to get Koushi as a partner, much more thrilled than he had been with Daichi and oh, Koushi was the pretty one he had scoped out at the beginning of the night, wasn’t he?

Of course he was.

Seeing them sitting together made Daichi’s stomach tighten.

Not fair.

Thomas was a douchebag and he got to talk to Koushi for the next five minutes?

Not fair.

Daichi’s partner sat across from him and greeted him with a hiccup. His face was flushed red and he was clearly drunk, sucking on the mouth of a beer bottle.

Not fair.

Daichi got this guy, a guy that wasn’t Koushi, and Thomas who was a total douchebag got Koushi.

Speed dating was so stupid.

The bell rang and his partner hummed and asked, “So like… uh… what sorta movies you like? I like… foreign films. Uh I saw one the other day and like…”

Daichi ignored his drunken rambling and let his gaze drift off to the counter to where Tooru sat, watching him. He had a look on his face. Something expectant. Or challenging.

Daichi couldn’t tell for sure.

But he was darting his eyes between Daichi and Koushi and Daichi thought maybe it was a combination of both.

Daichi turned his eyes to Koushi in time to catch his wayward glance in his direction over his shoulder. Their gazes met and Daichi wanted to melt in that smile.

Fine.

Tooru wanted entertainment?

Daichi would give it to him.

“But anyway yeah so I think Matt Damon is my favorite actor now after—”

Daichi thrust to his feet and immediately climbed onto his chair.

“Wha-what the hell are you doing?” his date asked, sitting back with wide eyes.

“Winning,” Daichi muttered and stepped onto the table, hands out on either side of him for balance. He looked Koushi’s direction and saw him staring at him with lips parted, eyebrows high on his forehead.

_Do something._

_Say something._

The bar was buzzing with hushed words, all eyes on him and the moderator was fumbling for his microphone, no doubt to demand Daichi sit down. This was definitely against the rules. Daichi was absolutely banned from all future speed dating events in _this_ bar. Maybe the entire city.

Oh well.

If all went how he hoped it would, he wouldn’t _need_ to go to another one anyway.

He sucked in a deep breath and shouted before the moderator could get the mic to his lips,

“ _Best date that ended with sex?_ ”

Koushi’s mouth stretched into a grin.

Daichi gulped and went on, “ _Come home with me right now and tomorrow morning your answer will be ‘this one’!_ ”

“Hey!” the man with the microphone interrupted. “Please get off the table!”

“ _And so will mine!_ ” Daichi ignored him.

Laughter floated from the counter and Daichi didn’t need to look to know the nasty sound belonged to Tooru. Instead, he left his eyes on Koushi, silently begging him to take him up on his offer.

_C’mon._

_Don’t leave me hanging._

_Don’t reject me._

How embarrassing it would be if Koushi just left him hanging.

“Please get down,” the moderator said. “Don’t make me call security—”

Suddenly Koushi jumped to his feet and climbed onto his chair and then onto his table, grinning so wide it consumed his entire flushed face.

“ _Prove it!_ ” he yelled happily and Daichi’s heart could just explode in his chest.

“Ah! No! Please get off the tables! This isn’t how this is supposed to work—”

Koushi and Daichi both ignored the moderator and started hopping tables, knocking over glasses and sending notepads and pencils to the floor. Koushi was giggling gleefully and Daichi’s heart was in his throat and he couldn’t believe his embarrassing display had worked. They were close, almost together again, and Tooru was cheering from the counter and complaints were rising from all around.

And then they were leaping for the same table.

Their bodies clashed together and Daichi threw his arms around Koushi to keep him from rebounding backwards and to the floor. Koushi sank into his hold and wrapped his arms around his neck, pushing up on his toes to close the distance between their mouths.

And Daichi thought maybe his heart did explode this time and he was quickly dying, his soul being sucked between his lips by this invigorating and enchanting man that he wasn’t completely positive just wasn’t a total figment of his imagination, born from the boredom of what had to be the best date he had ever been on.

Ahhh shit.

Tooru was going to rub this so hard in Daichi’s face, wasn’t he?

Koushi’s tongue slipped into Daichi’s mouth and ahhh who cares about Tooru anyway?

They kissed until Daichi’s knees went weak and he stumbled back a step and sent the table flopping onto its side, tossing Daichi and Koushi to the floor in a heap. Koushi landed on top of Daichi and broke the connection between their lips to shriek laughter. Daichi’s head fell back on the floor and he laughed too.

“That’s it! You two are now permanently blacklisted from any and all future events!” the moderator was screaming somewhere across the bar but Daichi was not at all concerned and judging by the way Koushi was grinning down at him, cheeks pink and eyes twinkling, Daichi guessed that maybe he wasn’t too concerned either.

“Favorite thing to eat for breakfast in bed?” Koushi asked.

Daichi lifted his head up off of the floor and kissed him. “ _You_ ,” he murmured when he broke the connection between their lips.

Koushi’s eyes went half lidded and his tongue wet his bottom lip.

“ _Sike_ ,” Daichi said. “Pancakes and hashbrowns with a side of bacon and sausages.”

Koushi released a laugh and kissed him again.

“ _That’s enough. You two are in so much trouble._ ”

Uh oh, the moderator had finally reached them and stood towering above with hands on his hips and a glare on his face. Two big guys with nametags muscled their way up behind him and cracked their knuckles but Daichi and Koushi didn’t wait around to see what punishment they had in store for them.

They scampered to their feet and Koushi grabbed Daichi’s hand to yank him in the direction of the door, laughter swelling through the bar and causing the hair to stand up on the back of Daichi’s neck.

“Get it, Daichi!” Tooru’s voice followed them through the door and onto the sidewalk beyond.

Koushi didn’t give him a second to catch his breath before he was running down the street, dragging Daichi behind.

And of all the stupid things that Daichi had allowed Tooru to drag him to, _this_ stupid thing definitely took the cake.

Not just the cake.

No, Daichi swore this not very good punishment ran away with the whole damn bakery.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I have nothing to say other than SEND ALL YOUR LOVE TO [SUGAR](https://silly-drawings-by-sugar.tumblr.com/) BECAUSE HER BIRTHDAY WAS A WEEK AGO AND SHE DESERVES THE WORLD okay bye i love you
> 
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr.](https://mooifyourecows.tumblr.com/)


End file.
